i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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