Don't make out with my wife yet
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
