literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
