Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
