He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
