My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
