Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
