When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
