my soul wont recognize me after tonight
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
