Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
