Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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