someone threw a dead crab at me
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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