why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
