my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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