Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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