My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
