I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
