Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
