Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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