The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
