i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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