Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love you. Go after that dick
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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