you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
