I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
