She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
