I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
