Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
