I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
this just has baby written all over it
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
