You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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