could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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