Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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