pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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