Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
