You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
