Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
