I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
