I puked a lego.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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