I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
