I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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