while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
