yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
