could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
