u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
