I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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