a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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