I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Drake has all the answers
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
