its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I didn't notice because vodka
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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