hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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