Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
