I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
