why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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